What money has stolen from me (and what I'm taking back)

I’ve spent most of my life stressed about money — even when I’ve technically had enough.

That feeling — of not-enoughness — has lived in my nervous system for as long as I can remember.

Growing up, I learned that money equals stress. It was always there in the background. Something to worry about. Something that might run out. Even in the stable seasons, that anxiety was still humming.

As an adult, I’ve carried that with me — even when I’ve had a good job, a decent income, and a life that, from the outside, looks fine. I’ve felt shame for not having it “together.” For not doing all the things society says I should be able to do — especially as someone educated, capable, and outwardly functioning.

And the thing about shame is — it disconnects us. It pulls us out of presence. Out of our bodies. Out of our lives. We’re so busy feeling like we’ve failed that we miss what’s actually here, what we have, who we are. Shame makes us smaller than we are — and I’ve spent years trying to shrink myself into someone who had it all together.

I became a trauma of money coach to try to understand it. And what I found didn’t surprise me — but it hit deep. Our relationship with money is profoundly tied to our nervous system. When we’re dysregulated, in fight or flight, in constant worry… we can’t make good financial decisions. Even when we have enough, it doesn’t feel like enough.

And then I started to look outward — at the systems we work in. Capitalism. Patriarchy. Global development. Systems that are designed to keep us striving. Comparing. Never quite resting. Systems that reinforce trauma, inequality, and disconnection — even in the spaces that are meant to help.

If you work in a sector that’s focused on helping others, you’ve probably felt this too. International development is full of complicated power dynamics around money — between donors, implementers, communities. And I think many of us who work in it struggle with our personal relationship to money, too. Because the whole system has a warped relationship with it.

Here’s what I’m learning: Being a resourced leader isn’t about how much money we have. It’s about our relationship with it. Our presence with it. The way we stay regulated and connected while navigating it.

Money is just energy. But the stories we attach to it — the fear, the shame, the striving — those are what keep us stuck. They stop us from being present and living fully.

I’m still unlearning. Still working on it. Still trying to feel steady in this part of my life. Still learning to live fully while I allow the false stories to unravel.

If you’ve been carrying some of this too — the shame, the stress, the pressure to have it all figured out — just know you’re not alone. I’m in it with you.

Kate xx