8 Ways People Pleasing is Hurting You, Your Business and Your Work Life
Here’s how to break the cycle.
When was the last time you said “no” to a client or colleague?
If you can’t answer the question, it may be time to look in the mirror. People-pleasing is an all-too-common characteristic of those with empathy and caring. We recognize the feelings and motivations of others. We want them to be happy.
When balanced, this approach leads to healthy relationships. But, for many, empathy can spill over into people-pleasing territory. Without clear boundaries, our time, our work, and our life become dictated by the needs of others.
Today, I want to talk about the ways people-pleasing is hurting you and your business or your work life. From there, we’ll look at a common root cause of people-pleasing. And finally, I’ll share a simple exercise you can use to take back your power and establish the balance you need.
What’s wrong with a little people-pleasing?
People-pleasing is easy to downplay. Rather than facing the reality of our disempowering stance, we frame our actions in a different light.
I’m providing good customer service
I’m being a good partner
I’m demonstrating flexibility
These characteristics are positive. And pursuing them is an important part of relationship-driven work. However, when taken too far, empathy morphs into people-pleasing and can shutter the foundation of your work or business.
The impacts are many.
8 specific ways people pleasing is hurting you
Not Getting Paid What We’re Worth/Lack of pricing confidence: When we people-please, this creates financial tension. In an attempt to win over the other party, we may not charge what we’re worth or advocate for a raise. We might feel uncomfortable discussing pricing or negotiating rates with clients or provide discounts to appease clients, even if it’s not in your best interests financially. This can undermine your profitability. The fallout is a financial blow to our (and our family’s) livelihood, which creates added pressure. It can also lead to feelings of resentment and a sense that we’re overworked and underpaid.
Putting the Needs of Others First: When we people-please, we deprioritize our own station. We allow the needs of others to stamp out what we need to be happy, healthy, and stable. Commonly, this leads to taking on more work than we can handle, committing to unreasonable timelines, and deprioritizing personal commitments.
Feeling Responsible for Others: When we people-please, we take on more burden than should be our responsibility. We shoulder the weight that should be carried by others. And, in a twist, this act often disempowers those we’re working with from taking the steps they need to succeed. This leads to more on our plate, while robbing others of their responsibilities. We might also fail to set boundaries with clients such as defining work hours or expectations. This can lead to a lack of work-work-life balance, with clients encroaching on personal time and causing burnout. Without clear boundaries, clients or managers may also develop unreasonable expectations or make excessive demands, further impacting your well-being and productivity.
Overcommitting and Underdelivering: If we constantly say "yes" to every client request or demand, even if it's not feasible or aligned with your capabilities, you may end up overcommitting yourself or your resources. This can result in missed deadlines, poor-quality work, or a decline in customer satisfaction. Ultimately, it can harm your business reputation and hinder your ability to deliver on your promises.
Scope Creep: People-pleasers may struggle to set clear boundaries or communicate project scope effectively. As a result, clients or managers may take advantage of your accommodating nature by continually requesting additional work or changes without appropriate compensation. This can lead to scope creep, where the project expands beyond its original scope, causing inefficiency, increased workload, and potential financial loss.
Diminished Productivity: Constantly seeking validation or approval from others can hinder your ability to make decisions promptly or prioritize tasks effectively. You may spend excessive time and energy second-guessing yourself or seeking others' opinions, leading to a decrease in productivity and efficiency.
Difficulty in Scaling: If you consistently prioritize individual client requests over long-term business goals, you may find it challenging to scale your business effectively. People-pleasing can divert your attention away from strategic planning, business development, or building systems and processes that enable growth. This can limit your business's potential for expansion and success.
Over time, these actions can have disastrous impacts.
I’m not able to sustain my business because I’m not charging enough
I’m taking on too much work, and my family suffers as a result
I’m constantly picking up the slack and nothing ever gets better
I’m burnt out
By recognizing and addressing people-pleasing tendencies in your business/work interactions, you can establish healthier boundaries, communicate effectively, and prioritize your career/business's long-term success and sustainability.
Examples of People-Pleasing
Meet two of my clients. They both struggled with people-pleasing in recent months, and came to me for support. I share these examples to highlight the hidden way people-pleasing dragged on their work.
Client 1: The Connector. This client is one of the strongest connectors I know. He has a deep network of business relationships from all over. And he routinely makes company-impacting introductions for those he knows, asking nothing in return.
My client is considering starting a business, using his connection superpower as a base. As we talked, his people-pleasing came to the forefront. “I don’t know if I can charge for this. I don’t want people to think I’m using them.”
This client is hung up on a potential new business idea. One that could be profitable for him, and continue to help those in his network. But the idea of ruffling feathers, and not giving away his connections for free, scares him.
Client 2: The New Father. This client is a brand new father, and loving his new baby. At the same time, he now has a wealth of responsibilities at home and at work and his own business, as well as the need for self care. He’s struggling to balance everything.
He especially feels guilty about leaving the house to work, grow his business or take care of himself. An hour at the gym to recharge and maintain his health feels selfish or burdensome. As we talked, he shared the ways the parts of himself he’s neglecting.
This client is sacrificing his personal stability, thinking it will help. But as I told him, all this will do is make it harder for him to show up as a father. His new child wants him to be happy and healthy, and that requires balance.
Taken together, these two clients illustrate the way positive motivations–doing right by connections and being a good father–can turn into people-pleasing actions with downstream results. They can hold up business ideas, diminish our health and happiness, and much more.
Why do I people-please?
Let’s dig down to the roots.
People-pleasing often comes from a diminished sense of self. In an act of extreme empathy, we push down what we want or need, while elevating the wants and needs of others. Without a strong sense of self to act as a counterweight, our scale can get lopsided.
Further, this mindset tends to elevate as our surroundings get less stable. In the new economic environment we find ourselves, where layoffs and instability are the norm, it’s understandable why people-pleasing is showing up in force.
The process look like this. You start with a diminished sense of self. Then, layer on scary things happening all around. You begin to worry asserting your power will lead to disastrous results. Your mind latches onto this, painting a doomsday scenario. Ultimately, you people-please in the hopes of skating on by.
What many don’t realize is that fear has taken over. It’s steering your actions, using worst-case scenarios to paint a picture of failure.
I’ll lose my job if I ask for a raise
I’ll alienate my connections if I start a business (client 1)
I’ll become a terrible father if I take time to care for myself (client 2)
Why, then, do we people-please? A diminished sense of self leads us down a road to fear. And, until we recapture our power and our direction, it will continue to hurt our work every single day.
Note: A common reason for a diminished sense of self is trauma or mistreatment. If you feel your people-pleasing is related to a deeper psychological impact, and are looking to take a first step, I’ve included links to some more in-depth articles below.
A Simple Exercise to Take Back Your Power
One exercise that has really helped me break the cycle of people pleasing in my own life has been to get really clear about these questions?
Who am I when I feel most alive?
What’s important to me?
What do I want?
These simple but powerful questions helped me to get clear on the things that matter to me. These include nature, adventure, teaching and facilitating, and connecting with myself and others and I work everyday to create space in my life for them. This helps to feel my cup and keeps me from looking to pleasing others to feel better about life.
When I do feel pressured to please others I can also stop and take a moment to practice heart focused breathing where I imagine myself breathing in and out through my heart. This helps bring my nervous system back to a place of coherence so I can widen the space between stimulus and response and make choices that are more life affirming for me.
Looking to Make a Change?
I work with people-pleasers every day.
Using tools like the one shared above, I help clients identify people-pleasing patterns and break free from them. The result is more ownership of their time, energy, and resources, which leads to productivity and success in business and at work.
I’d love to connect with you today for a free call to discuss how to rewrite people-pleasing and get you on the road to empowerment.
Trauma References
https://www.nicabm.com/working-with-please-and-appease/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety/202303/what-is-the-fawning-trauma-response