Why you need to get rid of your “Why”
Recently, I met with a client who was going through a crisis of self. It’s one I’m seeing more and more.
He wanted to figure out his “Why.”
His reason for being here.
The client had attended a networking event where he was blown away by the ability of another attendee to articulate a clear Why.
My client wanted that too.
The Why Inherent in Capitalism
I asked my client about his current “Why.”
“If I’m being honest,” he said. “Work has been about making money.”
This didn’t surprise me for a second. The Why baked into capitalism is the accumulation of more. More prestige. More power. And, especially, more money.
My client has the same challenge as millions of other people who grew up in peak Capitalism.
What next?
The Emerging Alternative
As more and more people have begun to recognize the limitations of Capitalism, and we’ve just been through a global pandemic that has made us question our purpose, an alternative has emerged.
The sacred “Why.”
Finding a powerful purpose. A meaning behind work that extends beyond money or prestige.
It could be a cause. An identity. Or a community.
But more and more we are being told you have to have a “Why.” We must live a purpose driven life.
Otherwise, what’s the point?
For my client, this pursuit of a “Why” started off as a positive. A way for him to move away from a money-first mindset and consider something larger.
But as we spoke, it became clear the search for a “Why” was not opening doors for him.
“I can’t figure it out,” he said. “I don’t know my Why.”
It was obvious this search was giving him stress and anxiety. His alternative wasn’t much of an alternative.
Is This Just Capitalism 2.0?
For a Capitalistic system to work, there has to be a draw to more. A search for money.
And the alternative has begun to show a similar requirement.
The message is this:
If the value of work is tied to a “Why,” and you don’t have one, you’re worthless.
I wonder. Is this any better than Capitalism?
How have we improved if all we’ve done is swap one all-consuming pursuit that makes us feel like we’re never doing enough for another?
There’s got to be a better way.
The Ladder Story
Elizabeth Gilbert, one of my favorite writers, tells a humbling story.
One day, she was at the beach. And she noticed a man up on a ladder.
The ladder looked wobbly, and she immediately began to fear for his safety. But he was hard at work. So she walked over close to the ladder and just stood there.
For an hour. Just in case.
When the man finished, and the ladder danger was gone, she went on her way.
Elizabeth closes the story by asking a simple question: What if her sole reason for being was to stand next to that ladder? What, then, would she do knowing that she had already fulfilled her purpose?
Another Way
I related this story to my client and asked him the following questions.
What would you do with your life if freed of the pursuit of money or the all-powerful Why?
How would that free you?
It became clear that focusing on money or his “why” was keeping him from actually living and being in the present. Enjoying today.
He thought he needed to find his “Why” to feel more fulfilled.
He soon realized his quest for “Why” was at the root of his lack of fulfillment.
So moving forward the question becomes “how do you want your life to look and feel on a daily basis?” “How can you create that?”
A Simple Exercise
I’d like to share a simple exercise I use with my clients that helps them to connect with how they want their life to look and feel. It’s called The Cocktail Party.
Take out a pen and paper or something to write on.
Imagine you can invite 10 guests including yourself to a dinner. The purpose of this dinner is to help you connect with how you want your life to feel and what you want it to look like on a daily basis. Your guests are there to help you. They can be living or dead and can even be from the future. For example, you may wish to take Michelangelo or Einstein or your future partner or children. Just in the making of this list you will get to know a lot about your participants. Allow the process to take its time.
Once you have finished your list, make a few quick notes as to why you chose each person. What characteristics do they possess? What qualities do they have? Write this down beside your guests.
Now imagine the taxi broke down and 3 guests can’t make it. Remove 3 people from your list.
As you remove the people, reflect on why you are choosing to remove those particular guests.
Now imagine the caterer called and ran out of food at the last minute. Remove three more people from your list. Once again as you remove the people, reflect on why you are choosing to remove those particular guests.
Now imagine there was a running race and the road to your house was closed before some guests could make it. Remove two more people from your list.
When you get down to the last two people, reflect on why you have these two people left on your list. Think about the qualities they have and why you still have them on your list. Then narrow the list down to one last remaining person. Take your time to decide who will be the last one. It’s often the decision-making process that brings valuable information to the surface. Sometimes the last person you “let go of” is a part of yourself that you have not been acknowledging. E.g., If you had someone on the list that you kept because of their wisdom, then to let them go, it may mean that you have acknowledged your own inner wisdom, etc.
Once you have that last person on your list you can continue to process the exercise accordingly. For example, if it is someone who inspires you, you could write a letter to them and then write back to yourself from them to gain more insight into their life. If your last guest is someone famous, then you could get their autobiography or watch a movie about them, as it can inspire creativity and passion. By the end of the process connect with the person that is left. What can that tell you about how you want your life to feel and look on a daily basis.
Conclusion
Want to connect even more deeply to what it is you truly want to feel and experience on a daily basis?
Want to be done with the quest for you own big “Why” and learn how to be fulfilled today?
Reach out today to schedule a complimentary discovery call and see what mindset coaching and training can do for you.