The Resourced Leaders Guide #3: The Power of Boundaries
Welcome back to another edition of the Resourced Leaders Guide! This week I’m taking a deep dive into boundaries! You see, in all my years of helping individuals navigate challenges and pursue personal growth, one thing has become crystal clear - boundaries, coupled with effective communication, are not just the heart of most problems people come to see me with but also the solution. I’m going to share what I’ve learned in my own life about boundaries and how I support myself and others to harness the power of boundaries for resourced leadership.
So, what are effective boundaries, and why do so many of us find it immensely challenging to communicate and adhere to them?
Well, let me take you on a journey through my own experiences and insights.
The People-Pleaser's Plight: I used to be the quintessential people-pleaser. Saying "no" felt very uncomfortable, and I'd bend over backward to accommodate everyone else's needs and desires, particularly those closest to me. But in the process, I lost myself. I became someone I didn't like, controlling and resentful, all in the pursuit of making others happy. It was a lose-lose situation. They didn’t like myself more, pleasing others didn’t make them like me more and I wasn’t happy either.
This tendency to please others often has deep roots in our past. For many, it traces back to childhood experiences and a desire for approval and love. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) study has also shown that traumatic experiences in childhood can significantly impact our adult behaviors, and people-pleasing can be one of these responses.
The Legacy of Childhood Trauma: Childhood trauma, whether it's emotional neglect, abuse, poverty, chronic stress or any other form of adverse experience, can shape the way we navigate the world as adults. Many of us develop coping mechanisms to survive these early challenges, and people-pleasing often becomes one of them. This can also be intergenerational trauma passed on to us from parents who also may have experienced trauma.
The need to please others can feel like a survival strategy. In a child's mind, keeping caregivers happy may have been the key to safety and security. As we grow up, this pattern can persist, even when it's no longer necessary or healthy.
The Role of the Nervous System: Understanding why setting boundaries can be so challenging requires looking at our nervous system. Our nervous system has a profound impact on our behavior and decision-making.
For those of us who have experienced trauma or chronic stress, our nervous systems can become dysregulated. This means that our bodies can get stuck in a state of high alert, always on the lookout for danger. In this state, it can feel safest to our nervous system to please others, even if it comes at our own expense.
Three Reasons Setting Boundaries Can Be Challenging:
1. People-Pleasing: As I've shared from my own experience, people-pleasing can be deeply ingrained. It can feel like our very survival depends on keeping others happy. The thought of asserting our own needs and desires might trigger anxiety or fear of rejection.
2. Trauma Responses: When our nervous system has experienced trauma or chronic stress, it can become stuck in patterns of hyperarousal (constant alertness) or hypoarousal (shutting down). These responses can make it difficult to recognize our own needs, let alone communicate and assert them to others.
3. Fear of Consequences: Setting boundaries often comes with the fear of consequences. Will we be judged, rejected, or even abandoned if we assert our needs? These fears can be powerful deterrents to boundary-setting because it is human nature to want to fit in, belong and be connected to others.
The Path to Resourced Leadership
I’ve learned that the journey toward resourced leadership and healthy boundaries begins with self-awareness and self-compassion. It's about recognizing that people-pleasing and boundary challenges often have deep roots in our past and are tied to our nervous system's responses.
It also involves nervous system regulation work. Techniques like mindfulness, yoga, and deep breathing can help us regulate our nervous systems and create a sense of safety that allows us to set boundaries more effectively. But it requires a commitment to ongoing practice.
Evaluating Your Own Boundaries
Now, I invite you to embark on your own boundary exploration. Reflect on your own boundary journey.
Are your boundaries clear, or do they need some fine-tuning?
Are you able to uphold them in both your professional and personal life?
Are you living in alignment with your values?
Who in your life do you find it most difficult to set and maintain boundaries with? Why?
Practical Exercise
Here's a simple yet powerful exercise to help you strengthen your boundaries: Take a few moments to jot down your core values and the non-negotiables in your life. If this seems daunting I’ve got a post on LinkedIn with more info about how to evaluate your boundaries you can review. Then, review your recent experiences and interactions. Are there areas where your boundaries need reinforcement? Practice asserting your boundaries gently but firmly. Remember, setting boundaries isn't selfish; it's an act of self-love and self-respect.
A Few Final Thoughts
Throughout the week I’ll be sharing more tools and resources about setting and keeping effective boundaries. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries isn't just an essential tool for personal growth and well-being; it's the foundation of resourced leadership. It's the pathway to authenticity, self-love, and ultimately, a happier and more fulfilled life. So, embrace your boundaries, my friends, and watch how they transform not only your relationship with others but, most importantly, your relationship with yourself. Stay tuned for more insights, tools, and teachings on your journey of resourced leadership. Until next week,
Kate xx
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Want to dig deeper? Set up a time to talk. I offer a free consultation to help you get clearer on why your boundaries might need supporting and to talk about how coaching can help. Or check out my holistic, trauma informed leadership training commencing in October.